I feel hurt that I’ve neglected you. All the explanations don’t change the fact that I did it. I hope you forgive me. It seems such a small thing on one hand but so important on the other because of what it reveals. The sexual fantasies. They’re veering away from my emotions. The one with the . . . the long one. I’m just telling you in case they feel out of sync. A young man possessed by you . . . where can I go? I am alone and you seem a lifeline and I’m worried that discredits how I feel about you. But then I don’t want anyone else in my life. I have everything all figured out. After twenty years, I have everything all figured out but you’re right because it’s easier that way and it’s how I learn and I’m bound to be wrong. What if I cry at night while I promise you I’m happy? What is my love if it does not please you? And what is my loneliness if you do not toy with it? These are my doubts this morning. This is my fear. Of you. And it is selfish and two-sided. What if you remake me? I expect it. I want it. I want to be Michael, the person that loves Lea. There is almost nothing if not nothing I wouldn’t give. The fear is that I will become an afterthought, a neglected toy. I know this is a lot, Mistress. But it’s more honest than I’ve been in a bit. I love you. You’d be amazed to know how much.
