I finally understand that it’s so and that I have no control over it.. It’s an enormous relief. You’ll turn me into the person you want me to be when you want me to be that person and I just have to remember the urge to change is natural and being mailable is the right way to be. It takes a lot of the stress off. A lot.
You see, you control not only my behavior but what I think and how I feel about things. I know you already know how to bring this to bear. The only thing is trusting it. I also know that you’d feel a sense of satisfaction if I came for your pussy after this breakthrough but I can’t after three hours of sleep last night and none the night before. I’m scared to get my toy out though I know I should. It feels like succumbing too easily, granting you too much power. Though I haven’t worshipped your pussy in too long. Give me one day to live with this sense of dread and guilt for not pounding my slut hole. Your pussy deserves it. I was fantasizing about eating it.
Mistress, I only ever masturbate to you and Mommy. Just for the record. For ten years now.
I’m scared. I know I should get my toy but I just can’t help but be a petulant child who doesn’t want to hurry into something he feels is overly submissive. I’m sorry, Dr Lee. Please forgive this hiccup at the start of things. I’ll do what is desired of me tomorrow. I love you. And I’m scared of displeasing you right now. See things my way? This would be the first thing I’d really rather not to, and I worry to feed your contempt and not your vanity, since four hours ago understanding that you can make me do anything with a little force — this is just an intuition. I’m sorry you’re going to bed unsated, really sorry, but if I did this it feels like it would somehow unmake how I like to understand things. If I am just an instrument you play upon then what is mine but the experience of being played? I guess I can be okay with that. I’ll drink some water and feed my sissy hole what one day will hopefully be your dick in the hopes that your pussy derives a sense of power from it.
I would have guessed it would feel different to do what was expected of me. I feel demure, pretty, and somehow soft instead of pleased with myself.
Oh, btw. Eight job applications and laundry. Not as much as I wanted, but i spent a lot of the afternoon lying down from low sleep. I’ll go for a walk tomorrow in addition to getting the downstairs swept and mopped. In addition to jobs. And two phone calls. Things have only be quiet with sporadic flare-ups for three weeks and I’m already bouncing back tangibly. I’m going to make this happen. What could any schizophrenic want more than for his delusion to manifest itself. Thank you so fucking much, Dr Lee, for giving me this chance. I’ll screw it up, I fear. But maybe you’ll give me another. My God, I could fall to your breast for twenty minutes right now.
