Should we just go upstairs?”
“You’ve changed.” Mistress Lea smiled and spread her arms from her sides. I moved to kiss her and she slapped my ass. “Or have you?”
I wobbled my head. “I’m more okay with myself. I love you so much, Mistress. I hope you don’t mind that word. It’s been twenty years and I’ve loved you with every last breath and it’s simply who you are to me. Mistress Lea. No black leather. No riding crops. Just you. You accepting me as yours. Your plaything, possession, baby. I don’t know which. But I know I love you. I love you enough to get on my knees and beg you to promise that I’ll see you again after tonight so that I can stop worrying that my final hour or two with you is slipping away and then there will never be anything, never be anything at all to hope for that might matter. Nothing that fits in my life. Just things or people that make it better. Not you, Lea. And it’s not you that I love, though your name and that word are the same. It’s life with you that makes my head positively burn with knowledge of what it would be. Not specifics, not at all. That’d be especially crazy. But the sense of how it would be. It’s bright and blazes like the sun. It clings at things and tried to pull them within it. I’m lost in it now, a sense of understanding something other than what’s true now, enraptured by it, like an emotion that I can’t stop. I can’t stop understanding the experience of being with you and nothing has ever felt so significant. Maybe a few things for a few moments, but this? For twenty years? And to see you now. I’m worried that I seem to be picking apart a puzzle from my face, but I’m only perplexed by the way you look at me while I say these things. I wonder how I could hold more love for you than you fear anyone has, be entranced by the experience of being with you that you seem not to sense. I shouldn’t expect that.
“Mistress Lea? You’re about to be okay with that. I have to tell you that I take pills that keep me from functioning sexually, as a side effect. And I don’t have any of the other pills. And I haven’t gotten them because my dick only belongs in my mommy’s pussy. I’m being a liar kind of. I think that, if I fell in love, it would be different. Oh, I’m sorry. There’s a bag in my trunk with a toy and harness. I’ve wanted, I’ve waited so long to finally be yours. Can you finally claim me? Will you please go upstairs and wait while I get the cock out of the trunk? Will you take my ass? Take what’s yours?”
Mistress Lea closed her eyes and, smiling, shook her head with her whole torso, side to side. “I don’t take men.” She reached up and lifted my fingers, flecks of silver polish on the nails. “My friend Grace has a daughter with a violin new weekend. How about the four of us go out for a late lunch?”
“Okay.” I felt a little winded.
“So, you’ll see me again. How does that feel?”
“I feel like I want to lick your pussy.”
“Michael?”
I unzipped my pants and pulled out my half-flaccid penis. My mistress motioned me to disrobe and I did, standing upright as I masturbated. “Mistress? Mistress Lea? I love you so much, more than I can want because I don’t want the fragile hope I hold for love from us for what I feel to lose itself in how badly I need to consent. To want to consent but to consent still. To consent to behave in such a way that reveals I understand that I belong to my mistress and only my mistress, that I’m yours and only yours, that it scares me but I want it forever and I hate feeling like I have control over it because it should be graven on my tombstone that I am yours. Carved in stone. A literal. A literal that stretches forever forth, the literal that I am always, every moment of my life, a need for you to please and amuse yourself with. I will consent to behave as though I know I have no soul, only my need to fill the duty of cumming in your womb.”
Lea was circling around me as I spoke, lifting my chin, cupping my ass, squeezing my balls. Fingers and hands touching, gliding, massaging. She untied my ponytail and began working with my hair. “Tell me how much you love me.”
“So much more than you want that I don’t want to say.”
“Don’t be sure.”
“I meant what I said earlier. Your name and love are the same words. I’ve been hearing it in my head, outside my head, for twenty years. Lea’s love. Love Lea. Lea Love. Lea’s Life. Life Love. Be Lea. Be Love. Lea. Lea Love. The words drive me crazy after two decades but the truth they hold scares me. I’m afraid I’ll lose hope of it. You are love’s name. Not the words Mistress Lea. But you, the person and mind and heart and soul and body. The very moment to moment experience of being you is in fact the name that love goes by.”
“When you pull your cum from my dick, what will you be cumming for?”
“Your pussy.”
“Tell me how much you love me.”
“You’re wrong if you don’t think I want you. I need you. I need you to see how perfect everything is for me when your pussy’s holding my dick inside you. I need hear your hips slap on my ass while I scream and convulse and dribble cum on the sheet with my mistress’s monster dick slicing in and out of my sissy slut hold. I want to feel the weight shift behind me on the mattress and then your hands spreading my ass and the knob of your dick finding home. I need you to have me absolutely whenever you want. Whenever. I don’t mean two times every three days. I mean when you want, how you want. If you want to bend me over the table, if you want me in the shower, if you want me in public. The truth is that I would never feel okay getting taken by another woman unless I was in drag. But it doesn’t matter with you, Mistress. It isn’t an experience. It’s you fucking me. I love you so much, Mistress Lea. I can’t wait until . . . there are so many things. I imagine sitting on the floor, under the table, eating your pussy. I’ll do it on our one-month anniversary, cook the meal and everything. Candles, a Chopin nocturne, me sliding out of my seat after five minutes and pulling your pants off. The only thing that bothers me is that’s an erotic, possession thing. I’d have to recenter to love you while I did it. I know this is how I know. While I nurture your clit with my tongue. This is how I know I love what love did to me when Mistress Lea does everything to me just by looking at me. That’s all I need. This is faster than I meant to go, loving you like this. This is so much more than your eyes. I needed this. I needed to cook her dinner and lick Mistress Lea’s pussy under the table while she eats to feel worthy of eating her pussy. Now that I am, I’ll have to do this again to prove to her that I love it like I love her. Mistress Lea. Love. I love knowing she has my tongue pushing into her so I can suck my reward even more than knowing I’m licking love’s pussy. It can hold so much. I can live in Mistress Lea’s cunt without being drawn into her womb. I know I can. I know that makes sense. Always a part of her. It scares me, wondering if there could be a way to force my balls through her cervix. But maybe she’ll just never let me fuck it instead. I love her so much, though. She could be on top. Maybe. Maybe always. I want to see those eyes like in my fantasy, cold and flat, mine locked to them. Expressionless and rocking atop me forever until the fear fades and I stretch out my arms and make fists in the sheets and smile and twist my head and tell you that I love you. I’ll always be yours. And now my dick’s in your pussy and I love it because I never dared dream it could happen. Never allowed myself to even dream. But I love you so much, Mistress Lea. Isn’t that right? Mistress. I’m yours. You know I’m yours, don’t you. I’m yours and there will not ever be one single thing I can do to your mind that I’m yours because you’ll obviously be right. I’m your friend, your possession, your desire of the moment. I want that so bad, it hurts, Mistress. I want you to desire me and only me and for me to be what you desire though, not for you to desire me. And I want to take cock too, Mistress. I love you, believe me. And my dick’s in your pussy and you’re fucking it and when it’ll coax submission from it and that will let me fill my most important obligation to myself in life, my duty to spray my cum in your womb. I love you. Cum now if it’s too hard, Mistress. Do you want it hard? Or do you want it soft? Do you see? Do you see? I’m cumming!! Can you feel it? I’m doing what I was put on this planet to do. Would you rather be in my parent’s bed or my teenaged bed? Mommy used to fuck me like this in my teenaged bed. Mistress Lea? I love Mistress Lea.”
“Soft. That’s enough.”
My dick shrank rapidly. “Do you want to fuck tomorrow instead?”
She nodded. “10am.”
“Two. I need time to get ready. Red or black?”
“Trashy.”
“Lolita?”
