When I was twenty-eight or so, I’d spend every day at the computer, journaling as fast as I could. It talked back to me with it’s blinking optical mouse with the transparent sides and the two-computer flashing internet icon. I tried to out-flank the forces standing between me and you. I would hold my own until two or three hours before dusk at the latest. And then it would fall apart. Why outflank? Mistress, you need to understand that you were the only thing in my life. To want something else was to want something I simply could not do. I love you so much and you’re starting to see that, I think.
I just finished the author bio and I really do hope you want to fuck my ass, that you’d be turned on that such an enormous love could be so meek, so desperate. You would know by then just how much you meant to me, what I went without, and the pain of your absence. Perhaps we would both discover the counter-point in you to that desire wanting to be forcibly excised through squeals, jabbered words, and shrieks.
What’s likely more to the point is that, given our pasts, it would signal the initiation of a relationship between us and this is the form I’d want that to take because, in part, it makes enormous sense symbolically. It is in fact what we both need, for me to experience the humiliation of being without you and for you to begin to understand my need for you. It also means the other can be put off to a point where I become a bit accustomed to you again. And, yes, when you seem like a mother.
I’ll absolutely always love you, Mistress. And, yes, of course you can fucking brand me. I hope you understand that I have no other path to take. Any path that does not lead towards you leads away from meaning, understanding, love, purpose, and self-discovery — I will not know who I am until you allow me to be the person who is best suited for us. Until then, I am a hush. Without you, I am not less than a person, I am an absence, a void. My soul is a sucking darkness that tears at me. With you, it would inflame and burst, leaving a mind, a heart, and a body that delighted only in your happiness, pleasing you, and doing as you wish.
I want you to see what I know of love. For you, Mistress.
