Mistress, I had some bad news today. But that can be for another time and it really doesn’t affect much, just a failure. I hope you got the roses. It’s the first time I’ve been forward in twenty years. I had a number of prank callers of late. I think it was the neighbors, that they antagonize me and then try to make sure I’m sane. But it was pretty much just today. I thought it was best if I treated them at face value. Maybe some other day? I’ll completely break character and talk about you till he hangs up. Not tomorrow, please. And I can’t name a day because it isn’t you. So you see how good it would be for me to get more strange calls so they stop annoying me for being duplicitous. Mistress, this will not be a problem, not unless you start coming up with weird reasons in interpreting what I honestly claim is people harassing me by wanting me to donate bibles to the library.
Okay, the actual truth. I was miserable and angry that I couldn’t be sure it was you. It was just a phone call that I didn’t want because it’s fucking crazy to think otherwise. I might not be able to allow myself room for those things because of previous behavior and because I don’t have a good grasp of how the paradigm of meeting someone new goes.
But I am sorry that I feel sad and closed off. Maybe you sense it and maybe you don’t. With all the pills and the crazy itself, a cold can put in bed for two days. Today was worse, but I’m still washed out. I’m only bringing it up in case you view it as bad timing too. I really want you to see that I’ve been serious about all this, Mistress. I even meant that I want to marry you if you slept with my mom. Partly, when we wake up the next morning, how does it feel to wake up on the day after your wedding for the third time? So, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in my dreams since I was 28 or so. We were at the zoo and you need to give yourself an insulin injection. You seemed so . . . weak. You seemed to be giving into some sorrow or darkness that I couldn’t see, leaving me behind. You probably hate cruises for being commercialized. Personally? I wouldn’t mind a theme park for adults. Maybe I just haven’t tried it yet. But that seems like a good place to kiss you long enough that you gently push my face a way and say, “That’s enough” in a soft voice and with a smile. Then I get to defy convention and say talk to you in above room tones about how I want to get lost in you, how I feel your tongue and lips speak to me. And that they answer questions I ask with my mouth and tongue. So, please, indulge my fearful insecurity and let your tongue flow into my mouth too so it can ask about the pain of being without you. I can picture you raising both arms at your sides with bent elbows and smiling only because you forgot to stop smiling, and thinking, “What does this man do to me?” God, I love you. I drink about five times a year. This would be easier with alcohol, not telling you these things. Just the moment. My chest is tight with panic, I’m not happy with the tone I’m using. But my role in life is to love you. So don’t think the flowers were anything but what I felt I was supposed to do. Two confessions back . . . as I wrote it, I because increasingly sure I should send flowers. I put the picture on my blog in case you read it so you steel yourself for it. But it is honestly that. It felt more and more as I wrote that the appropriate thing do was to send flowers. So I did. And the confidence that you might see as evidence of I don’t know what. I think it’s much more that the world didn’t stop spinning. I don’t know what I expected. A call from Tina that you had called and wanted me to leave you alone? Mistress, I really do understand that it’s my role not to ask for anything, not even you — though that might change. Never in here though. But I’ve always wanted a French Maid outfit. Not erotically themed costume unless it’s a really good one, but the real deal. I already have a feather duster. I could do your downstairs every Sunday for a month to pay it off. It’d be good for me. If the thought’s ever crossed your mind, it’d almost certainly be exasperating beyond words to play governess. “Michael, I will tell when you’re behaving inappropriately and you will them stop when you realize it is best that you do. If you take more than two weeks, I will fuck someone else and you will accept it because you can’t live without me. And at that point, you will stop.”
I know I’m wrong about something very important, but I’m too scared to think about it because of what I might run into. And also I’ve had probably literally thousands of fantasies about seeing you And I was made a fool of in each. So I’ll call when I can, which might be three months, but likely no longer. I’m very curious to find out who I am with you. I have what my shrink termed “a fluid sense of identity.” So I’m very different with different people, provided I’m comfortable enough with the person and, well, want to participate. So whether I return to how I was when I talked to the hallucinations or . . . I don’t know what? How overtly submissive I feel? I am uppity about being submissive if you remember right. I’m not getting at it yet. I just know I’ll feel very different about myself and then try to allow you to guide me into the person you would rather be. And that’ll be in the first ten minutes.
Mistress Lea? I think you remember that I require patience. I’m not so bad as I was back then, but you have to let me screw up without viewing it as evidence that all I’ve said and written are lies. Please, Mistress? If you want, ask me why I did it and I’ll tell you and I’ll be completely honest.
Just in case the phone calls were yours and you felt rebuffed, you do still know that I’m yours and at the very top of things I want from life, I want you to claim me.
