If by some chance we ever marry, I’ll let (even want) you to brand me.
I’ll find the artisan and foot the bill. After all, it’s your wedding present. I’ll either need two Percodan and one hell of a pep talk or a lot of liquor. Oh, since you might be wondering, I’d be willing to go 2″ to 4″ on the longest side. And, yes, I would likely get my favorite tattooed for color. The price? You have to come slumming with me. Not in Virginia Beach either, not some dive hole in the wall. A beer and shot bar with an urn of pickled eggs on the counter. A bonfire in a trailer court. The lowest I’ve sunk.
You know, seriously? I’ve had friends from a wide array of backgrounds and I feel I’ve done nothing but benefit from it. I haven’t seen the opulence you have, but I’ve seen enough to pretend to be nonplussed at essentially anything. One of my roommates was the president of the student body of Virginia Tech, though not the year I lived with him. I have a friend that started a software company, Logi Analytics, that he sold in 2021. I don’t know how it did under his stewardship, but it now pulls in $15.4M in revenue. I have another friend who gives guitar lessons. Who cares? One friend, and I’m slow to use that word, dropped out of school in the seventh grade, has had his jaw broken three or four times in bar fights, has done a year in prison, and has a knife scar that has to be seen to be believed. Oh, and a crack habit the size of the five boroughs. When Elaine was raped, I told her to call Doug and the guy who raped her was gone the next day. Neither had your typical childhood experience and I knew he could reach her. And come up with something good to do to the guy. He would have been her first stable, long term relationship in this world. I’m proud to call Doug a friend. Incidentally, if you ever want to see life from the other side, his last name is Crockett and he lives in Salem, Virginia. Get a free three-day subscription to Intellus and get his number. Tell him a little bit about us. He’d never call me. And, please, thank him for his time. Doug might not be in the mood to talk to you, though generally he’ll talk your ear off. Oh, this is the most important thing! At some point as him, “What do I really need to be doing?” Make sure you use exactly those words. Lastly, if there’s a lull in the talk, ask him if he knows any jokes. Ask him what makes the joke funny after he tells it too. Believe me, you’ll come away with a smile.
